Posted by: Mad Mark Wirtz | November 27, 2007

THOUGHTS THAT KEEP ME AWAKE AT NIGHT

Squares are cranky circles.

Anchovies are sardines with an attitude.

Limes are envious lemons.

Hair has nowhere else to go.

Endings are beginnings taking a nap.

Erasers are bulimic.

Humor is music in reverse.

Neither trouble, nor love, make appointments

Time Is A Rubber Band… Moments Are The Bricks of Eternity

Heaven is an empty space. It is the absence of everything that makes it such a simple, happy, place.

Do memories take pictures of themselves?

One-Night-Stands are jokes in search of a punch-line.

Our first experience in life of rejection, eviction, and abandonment, is birth.

The worst thing about being alone is that there is no none to share it with.

The worst kind of feeling alone, is feeling alone when you’re with someone.

In any relationship, whoever cares the least, wields the most power.

Cheers!

Markie 🙂

http://www.markwirtz.com
P.S. What are needles doing in a haystack, anyway? There probably aren’t any, which is why nobody can find them.

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Posted by: Mad Mark Wirtz | November 27, 2007

BOOB JOBS

Plastic surgery is all the rage, isn’t it? Like, Boob Jobs are so common these days, Teenagers get ’em as a graduation present, or they get ’em done at the DMV while waiting in line for their learner’s permit…

Just another step in growing up: Today, boob jobs — tomorrow, lube jobs…

Frankly, just between you and me, I have never been able to figure out why we guys buy into all these phony boobs. I mean – they’re plastic! Like… dentures! At least dentures do something. All that boobs ever do is show up.
But we guys are hooked. Hell — women would never go for bullshit like that! Or would you ladies go crazy over a guy whose wallet is stuffed with maxed-out plastic?? Well, would you? Would you?

Here is something else that puzzles me about boob jobs… I’m not being racist, I swear to God, so don’t even go there-!! But — are boob jobs a white thing? I mean, do only white women have boob jobs? We all see hundreds and hundreds of white boobie-pops every day… on the street, on TV, in movies, in magazines… But I can’t think of one single sister who flies plastic balloons. Oprah’s are real! Hallee Berry’s are real!

From what I can tell, the sisters don’t need them. And even if they did, they wouldn’t want them. I guess that’s the difference between “let’s pretend” and “keeping it real.”

Markie 🙂

http://www.markwirtz.com

Posted by: Mad Mark Wirtz | November 27, 2007

WE NEED FIXING!

Nothing wrong with a nip and a tuck… We need fixing! Let’s face it, a lot of our stuff is way overdue for upgrades. I mean, for instance, our eyes are in the wrong place; they can’t see behind us, where all the action is. They should be on the tip of our fingers. Just think of all the fun they could have…

Noses… Now, THERE’S an underdeveloped Beta version! Two holes…  Why? They’re both in the same place, smelling the same stuff. Stereo sniffing? Neither of them do the job right – the nose can’t even smell itself! Don’t believe me? Go ahead, take  a whiff. See? Nothing. Bullshit.

And what’s up with the mouth? It’s a disaster! THAT’s what we should wear knickers over – or at least thongs – not our genitals! At least our genitals have manners. Our mouth doesn’t. Genitals don’t cough, or sneeze, or spit, or belch, or curse, or drool, or barf, or scream, or bitch, or sing out of tune, or lie, or make false promises, or tell bad jokes, or whistle for that matter. The mouth does. How offensive is THAT! I say — off with the panties, on with the mouth-patch!

Sorry, no time for more. Gotta run to my chiropractor!

Markie 🙂

http://www.markwirtz.com

Posted by: Mad Mark Wirtz | November 27, 2007

GOD-STUFF,part 3:ADAM AND EVE AND MURPHY

Talking about Adam and Eve… that wasn’t really a snake in Paradise, you know — oh, no. That was just a little worm. Uh-huh, a teeny, weenie, little, worm. It’s just that Eve, already typically female, exaggerated and made a big, bad, snake out of it (there was no way she was gonna go down in history as having been seduced by a teeny, weenie, little worm). That was just fine with Adam, because Adam was already typically male, and we all know how guys are about size. And God was OK with it, because it made for good Bible box office. Mind you, exercising His magnanimous, mischievous, sense of humor, God left a symbolic clue to the real story: He turned the frisky little worm into Eve’s clitoris to serve as a perky invitation to a bite into the apple for ever more.

Oh, and Adam wasn’t the first human, you know. There was a Beta version before him: Murphy. Yes, Murphy. You know…
Trouble was that Murphy was a mess, and everything about him went wrong. Hence — Murphy’s Law. So, God took him back to the lab and made Adam out of him.

Just theories. I might be wrong!

Markie 🙂

http://www.markwirtz.com

Posted by: Mad Mark Wirtz | November 27, 2007

GOD-STUFF, part 2: CREATION

Yep, we need fixing. We weren’t that well made to begin with, were we? I mean, for starters, we’re full of holes!

But don’t blame God – it wasn’t His fault. You see, when God took the 7th day off, He wasn’t done with us yet. He was going to go back to the office on Monday and finish us. And the only reason why He took Sunday off was to spend some quality time with Mother Nature, to stop her from bitching and nagging at him that He was always bzy bzy bzy and never had time for her.

Trouble was, instead of having a lovey-dovey, quality time date, God and Mother Nature got into a big fight and broke up. And God was so bummed out and depressed, He never went back to the office on Monday, or Tuesday, or ever again. And so, here we are to this day, only half-baked.

Of course, that’s just my theory. I might be wrong.

Respectfully,
Markie 🙂

Flash news – good one! God and Mother Nature are talking about getting back together. Yeah! 🙂 Why, after all this time? Because Mother Nature is pregnant. Uh-huh! A ‘Big Bang’ nailed her. So, she and God are negotiating a reunion to give the kid a good home. See? There’s hope! (Mind you, knowing God and Mother Nature’s concept of time, I doubt they’ll go into combined action in time to solve the global warming problem.)

Markie 😉

http://www.markwirtz.com

Posted by: Mad Mark Wirtz | November 27, 2007

GOD-STUFF, part 1

I’m not really religious, I’m “spiritual.” Which, of course, is nothing but a trendy, cop-out, butt-covering, politically-correct, metaphor for believing that, if the shit hits the fan, there is some kind of power in the universe far bigger than me whom I can blame, or call on to flush the toilet.

In that spirit (pun intended), the ever escalating challenge of the use of “God” in non-religious context befuddles me. Wasn’t that abstract term always a mere metaphor for a divine/supernatural/metaphysical power that nobody, in all earnest, could even begin to fathom or comprehend, let alone lay proprietary claim to?

Hey – I don’t comprehend the reality of a simple car engine… Oh, I know that a number of pistons explode in just the right sequence, very quietly, generating enough power to propel tons of mobile weight, but it’s still bloody magic to me! The same applies to airplanes, electricity, computers, TV and mobile phone signals that bounce off a distant satellite and know exactly where to find me, even follow me when I try to hide, in high-fidelity/definition, audio-visual, clarity. Not to mention the human body, whose miraculous complexities, when I ponder them,  warp my brain and make me reach for a Xanax. I don’t understand. Do you? I mean — do you REALLY? And WE have the arrogance to argue who/what “GOD” is, let alone to whom H/She belongs? C’mon, get real — we can’t even figure out what LOVE is, or why an Aspirin works!!!

Frankly, I think that if even the most devout believers, upon croaking, arrive at some place and actually face God (or by whichever name S/He might show up), they’d crap their pants, utter the words, “JESUS CHRIST — YOU REALLY EXIST?!?!?!” (or whatever they say in whatever language), and pass out.

I also think that Sir Steven Spielberg got it right when he brilliantly avoided any criticism, controversy, challenge, outrage, debate, or whatever people indulge in when their self-righteous buttons are pushed, by simply and ambiguously referring in his blatant references to deity in the most beloved movies ever made, the ‘Star Wars’ series, as — “The Force.”
Not one soul ever complained.

Godhead!

Bless you!

Markie 😉

http://www.markwirtz.com

P.S.

Mind you, I  think that God should not be mentioned on Dollar bills. Money itself may be god to a lot of people (who don’t trust in anybody, let alone the non-currency God), but to even the most devoted church people and believers, even saints, darn it, the last thing on their mind when handling money is God — not even while donating it, or putting a bit of it in the collection basket. Ego, guilt, or tax write-off is more likely to come to mind.

Posted by: Mad Mark Wirtz | November 27, 2007

MULTI-TASKING

Multitasking is overrated and, quite frankly, it sucks! It’s nothing but the latest addition to politically correct euphemisms that were “coined” through the ages for giving employees (or your stupid self) even MORE work to do (lottsa take-home!), at the same pay, with even LESS shit getting done right!

Long gone are the “good old days,” when bosses pacified your frustrations by “promoting” you sideways — not by giving you a raise, or enhance your position with more substance, but by just handing you a new title, more responsibilities and expectations, a bigger shingle for your door and desk, longer hours, and the use of the cleaner bathroom (which you probably had to clean as part of your added “perks,” you privileged thang!). Perhaps, just perhaps, you even got a key to your own door.

So, now we have multi-tasking… no new title, no bigger shingle, no better bathroom, just spreading thinner (and wider). Personally, I’m so maxed out on multi-tasking, I am not even getting enough of nothing done right anymore!
So you know what I think of multi-tasking? Multi-task THIS!!! LOL
Mmmmwuh!
Markie 🙂

http://www.markwirtz.com

Posted by: Mad Mark Wirtz | November 27, 2007

CHANTIX – The new quit-smoking wonder drug

OK, I tried it. And I must say — it’s quite a marvel! I mean, to begin with, this is the most fun drugs-quitting drug ever invented, because you can continue “using” while quitting! Sorta like checking into rehab, taking along a case of booze and a stash of coke, or like a thief on parole still being given license to steal. Wonderful! THE drug for the times! So, if you ask me if Chantix works – yer damn right it does! I’ve been on it for two weeks now, at $140.00 a pack, and I’m only smoking now when I feel like it! 

Side effects? Well, as they say, it affects everybody differently. Me? It stones the dickens out of me… I bump into walls, speak backwards, throw trash into the toilet and pee in the garbage can. It’s very pleasant, though, I enjoy it very much.

Not too many other side effects (would I even notice if there were any?). Oh – except for the cost, of course. Buying cigarettes AND Chantix gets a bit expensive! So, I cut down on food… Oh, right, that reminds me — food doesn’t taste very good on Chantix, so you won’t miss it if you don’t have any. Beer tastes downright awful on Chantix, so, if you’re anything like me, you’ll probably stop drinking it, save more money and lose even more weight! 

Sex is fine on Chantix. That’s good, isn’t it? And, speaking of sex, the great thing about quitting smoking on Chantix is that you can STILL enjoy that cigarette “afterwards”! Yeah! How cool is that!

So, yes, I give Chantix a strong thumbs-up! Except, I can’t tell my thumb from my big toe (that’s my not-rude, clean, version). Let’s just say, I give it five stars. Oh, darn, Chantix has made me dyslexic, so I can’t count that far. Fine — I give it a happy face! Yayyy! :):):)

Mad Markie in Savannah, GA, where humor and comedy are regarded as bad manners.

http://www.markwirtz.com

Posted by: Mad Mark Wirtz | November 27, 2007

Who is “THEY,” What is “IT”??

And Why is a Banana Bent??

You’re in shambles and are standing knee-deep in rubble.
You’re broke because you lost your job and can’t find a new
one, your lover left you, and your lips are sporting a shiny ripe
cold sore. You are inconsolably miserable. Up comes a well-
meaner and tells you, “Don’t worry, everything will be alright.”
You know what they say—’Out of chaos comes order.'”

Sounds promising. But does it make you feel better? Not
really.

“Well, remember, there is always somebody worse off than
you,” nags the well-meaner, “so be grateful for your blessings.”

“Yeah,” you think to yourself, “I am one of those worse off’s
than anybody I know!”

“If it is meant to be,” the well-meaner is sure to point out, “it
will all work out. Like, if you and your lover are meant to be
together, you will be. Have faith!”

You want to slap that person.

The well-meaner moves closer. “Don’t worry, it’s all for a
reason and a higher purpose.”

Now you want to shoot the bastard.

“Well, that’s what THEY say,” concludes the well-meaner
and leaves you standing there gasping for air. “Just hang in
there. Wait and see how it goes.”

That’s what THEY say, huh? Well, who exactly is this
mysterious THEY? How do THEY know all this stuff? Do they
make it up? We never seem to question it. Besides, how much
sense do THEY even make? Does order REALLY come out of
chaos?

And about that “see how it goes” bit—who the hell is
this all-powerful IT? Is IT a relation to THEY? Does IT know even more than
THEY? More than just knowing, does IT also have the divine
power to make things happen, or not? Most to the point—has
anybody ever seen or met THEY or IT? Do they even exist other than
in our wishful thinking?

Accepting the need for clichés and platitudes in order to
handle the adversities of life, exactly how reliable and credible
are they? When dissecting and picking them apart in order to
rationally and logically examine their validity, do they reveal
themselves as mere shams? ‘False evidence appearing as
real?’ Do they mirror life’s little joke on us that “nothing is ever
quite what it appears to be”?

Let’s take a look at some of the common soul bon-bons and see
if they make sense.

“What doesn’t kill us makes us stronger.”

— Oh yeah? What doesn’t kill us may also put us in a wheelchair!

“It’s better to have loved and lost than not to have loved at
all.”

— Better for whom? You, or the bitch or jerk that dumped you?

“There are plenty of fish in the sea.”

— Sure. But considering that “all the best ones are taken,” and
discounting the rejects and losers, what does that leave?

“It’s never too late.”

— It most certainly is. Just ask the old and the dead.

“Everything will be all right and work out in the end.”

— What good is it at the end?

“Anything is possible.”

— ANYTHING? How about one hand clapping?

“It was a lesson to learn from. We learn from our mistakes.”

— To me, the only thing we learn from mistakes is how to do
things wrong. It’s success that teaches us how to do things right.

“There are no problems, only solutions
There are no victims, only survivors.”

— If there are no problems—solutions to what?
Likewise, if there are no victims—what’s to survive from?

“Out of sight, out of mind
Distance makes the heart grow fonder.”

— Which one is it?

“It’s always darkest before the dawn.”

— It’s also darkest in a great big, deep hole that you can’t climb
out of.

“I only want the best for you—I want you to be happy”

— Right—so long as I am not happier than you!

“You are as young as you feel”

— Bullshit. You may feel as young as you feel, but you are surely as
old as you are. If in doubt, check your odometer!”

“Don’t reach outside for it, reach inside of you.”

— Reach inside of me? Are you nuts? I’m empty! Try telling a
flower in the desert to reach inside itself for rain, and see
what you get.

“Don’t judge a book by its cover.
First impressions count!”

— Make up your mind!

“When in doubt, consult your inner child.”

— It can’t talk or walk yet

It appears that, if taken literally, none of these sayings make
much logical, or rational, sense at all. THEY simply must not know what
they’re talking about. Yet, on second thoughts, in context with
our specific dilemma and our own perception of reality, their
meaning suddenly changes. Just like beauty, reality is in the
eyes of the beholder. It’s all in how we look at it. As THEY say,
“If the shoe fits, wear it.”

In any event, to apply measures of logic or reason to this
probe is rather pointless, because life and nature are not logical
or reasonable. According to all laws of physics, a bumblebee
can’t fly. But it does. And so can we, all reason and logic to the
contrary, propelled by mere faith and the sheer power of the
heart. In that spirit, everything is indeed possible, and it is
indeed never too late. Not even when we’re dead.

Bottom line—are clichés and platitudes true or not?

Put into proper context, yes, clichés and platitudes appear to
be true indeed—but only for the optimist in the face of
adversity. That is why they survive.

Then, finally—why IS a banana bent?

Because if it weren’t bent, it wouldn’t be a banana.

So THEY say…

(c) Mark Wirtz

http://www.markwirtz.com

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