Posted by: Mad Mark Wirtz | November 27, 2007


No human endeavor in all of evolution has suffered as many casualties as love and relationships. What if love were an airline. Would anybody fly? Let’s find out…

“LOVE AIRWAYS, ticket desk. How can I help you?”

“I would like to make a reservation.”

“Where would you like to travel to?”

“Happiness. I’d like to buy a ticket to Happiness. One way.”

“I’m sorry, we have no one-way fares. All our fares are
return only.”

“Oh… Well, I don’t intend to return. I am looking for ‘Happy
Ever After.'”

“I’m sorry, we have no such fares. One way or the
other, all relationships are terminal. Even if break-ups or divorce
don’t get you, death will. So there is no ‘Happy Ever
After.’ The closest we have is a ‘Happy Ending’ fare. But, as
the definition implies, that still only gets you to temporary
happiness—at the end. And what good is it at the end?”

“You have no one–way flights at all?”

“Oh, certainly we have one-way flights. Just no one-way
fares. In fact, most of our flights are one way. By default, not
by design, because most of
our planes crash. Many do so shortly after takeoff.

“So how come anybody even flies at all?”

“Because everybody believes in their heart that they will be
the exception. Many are previous crash survivors, who step
onto a new flight even while still bleeding from the last

“How do you even find pilots and flight crews?”

“It’s not easy. They are mostly made up of artists,
entertainers, writers, dreamers and the odd politician…you know, romantic idealists
who believe they can defy the laws of nature and
make the impossible possible. Sometimes they do. Those are
the flights that make it through. But most of our planes are
remote controlled, if not by automatic pilot, then by deities,
psychics, shrinks, or self-help book authors…. You know….”

“How can you even stay in business?”

“Stay in business? Are you kidding? Business is booming!
We have a huge waiting list. There are all the young and naive
first-time fliers who can’t wait to get aboard. Of course, many
of them only look for short pleasure trip specials. Then there is
our repeat business. Lots and lots of repeat business. People
rarely die in these crashes. They go insane, get ruined, end up
heartbroken and become depressives, but they rarely die.
Believe me, a lot more people die from loneliness! Not only do
most of the crash victims keep coming back for
more, but they even upgrade to first class, willing to pay any


“Did you still want to purchase a ticket?”

“Yes, I think so. I don’t want to be alone.”

“Yes, alone sucks. There’s no one to share it with. Mind you, it’s better to be alone than to be with the wrong person.”

“Not much!”

“True. Well, anyway, you can choose between the fantasy or the dream package.”

“What’s the difference?”

“With the fantasy package, anything is possible. The dream
package is more specific, but less expensive.”

“I’ll take the fantasy package.”

“Good choice. Lasts longer. And the risks are about the
same. Now, which route did you want to fly? Chemistry,
infatuation, or the big ‘L’?”

“Big ‘L’?”

“Well, love, of course. At least falling in it. See? The word ‘falling’ should give you hint of the risk you’re taking.”

“Well, do you offer any insurance?”

“You’re kidding, right? … Hmm, you are not, I see. Well,
I’m afraid we don’t.”

“What about sex?”

“What about it?”

“Well, how does that enter into it?”

“We don’t supply that. Please, we’re an airline, not a pimp

“Sorry. Do you give out any on-board manuals that at least
help a little bit to avoid disappointments?”

“No, not really. There is a library, though. Books and videos.
“Men are from Mars…”, Linda Goodman’s
Sun Signs, Creative Visualizations, some Chopra and Shirley
MacLaine books, and a couple of George Carlin concerts and
Monty Python films…you know, stuff like that.”

“George Carlin and Monty Python?”

“Certainly. To cheer you up when you get dumped.”

“What if I decide to get off the relationship flight altogether
at a stop over. Can I get back on later and continue my journey?”

“Yes, that is possible. We have some twelve-step programs
we can hook you up with during those times-out.”


“Well, would you care to purchase a ticket?”

“Hmm…. Yes, give me the grand tour special.”

* * *
(c) Mark Wirtz



  1. Oh! This is hillarious! 😉 H

  2. Mark…

    I keep watching the skies for that Love Plane. Until it lands I’ll read your blog!

    Regards, Artie

  3. This is something really nice . I like that . This is really amazing .

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